Enabling

This is a handout from a meeting where I spoke on enabling - posted for the folks that attended.

 

The Prodigal Son

Luke 15:11-32

He said, "A certain man had two sons.

The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of your property.' He divided his livelihood between them.

Not many days after, the younger son gathered all of this together and traveled into a far country. There he wasted his property with riotous living.

When he had spent all of it, there arose a severe famine in that country, and he began to be in need.

He went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed pigs.

He wanted to fill his belly with the husks that the pigs ate, but no one gave him any.

But when he came to himself he said, 'How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough to spare, and I'm dying with hunger!

I will get up and go to my father, and will tell him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight.

I am no more worthy to be called your son. Make me as one of your hired servants."'

"He arose, and came to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'

"But the father said to his servants, 'Bring out the best robe, and put it on him. Put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet.

Bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat, and celebrate;

for this, my son, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.' They began to celebrate.

"Now his elder son was in the field. As he came near to the house, he heard music and dancing.

He called one of the servants to him, and asked what was going on.

He said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and healthy.'

But he was angry, and would not go in. Therefore his father came out, and begged him.

But he answered his father, 'Behold, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed a commandment of yours, but you never gave me a goat, that I might celebrate with my friends.

But when this, your son, came, who has devoured your living with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.'

"He said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.

But it was appropriate to celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.'"

Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors

There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. It has been suggested that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?

1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving?

2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”?

3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself?

4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you?

5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain?

6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested – or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person?

7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know?

8. Do you feel protective of this person – even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life?

9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person?

10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help?

11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do?

12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings?

13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do?

14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does?

15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual?

16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments?

17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time?

18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems?

19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems?

20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation?

If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another – or on a regular basis – you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.

S.A.N.I.T.Y. Six Steps for Regaining a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children                                    by Allison Bottke Setting Boundaries with Adult Children

S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
A = Assemble a Support Group
N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
T = Trust Your Instincts
Y = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)

Characteristics and Qualities of a Responsible Adult

• Self-control – Control of one’s emotions, desires or actions by one’s own will.

• Stability – stable personality, strength, reliability, dependability.

• Independence – ability to self-regulate, not relying on others for support, care or funds; self-supporting.

• Seriousness – ability to deal with life in a serious manner.

• Responsibility – accountability, commitment and reliability.

• Method/Tact – ability to think ahead and plan for the future, patience.

• Endurance – ability and willingness to cope with difficulties that present themselves.

• Experience – breadth of mind, understanding, accumulated knowledge, especially of practical matters

• Objectivity – the ability to assess situations or circumstances shrewdly and to draw sound conclusions

• Decision making capability – as all of the above correspond to making proper decisions.

• Priorities – Ability to determine what is the most important thing that must be dealt with first, providing for the “needs” vs. the “wants” first and foremost.

One Year…

As I watched the clock turn over to midnight last night bringing in April 1,2011 I couldn't help but think that when I went to bed one year ago I had no idea that I'd be waking up to the day that I'd say goodbye to my mama forever on this earth. In retrospect, in this first year since mama’s death yes, there were times when I zigged and maybe I should have zagged. I was just finding my way. Without being too hard on myself for whatever style my grieving takes on, I take a deep breath and know that I have a God who is so much bigger than my comings and goings and He knows what's happening and will happen and if I just keep looking to Him and not spend my time trying to figure it all out He will lead me.

The Lord knew what was coming even though I didn’t and He knew what I was going to need to deal with mama’s death. He knows me. He knows me. That was worth repeating. He knows us intimately. He knows what breaks our hearts and what makes us stronger.  Why would we turn to anyone else?

The night before mama died I went to a late movie with some friends and our girls. Sound strange? Hmmmm, one of those choices maybe I would have changed if I had known what the next day would hold, but I felt the tug to go. I saw it as a respite of sort and some time to invest with my daughter who had been swallowed up in an environment of hushed voices, cancer and chemo visits way too often for a thirteen year old.  As I look back though I see it was all by His design.  There was content in that movie that I needed to see.  My Lord knew that. I could point out many other things as well where the Lord met me right where I was and gave me just what I needed. I cannot deny the existence of a Savior that knows me.

 
How did I get to know that? To have the ability to look back and see His presence and to grow enough to be able to expect Him in my present and in my future?  Mama. I can think of no other fitting one year tribute to mama than to say - she showed me Jesus. Not taught – showed.  He was there in her. The time she invested in me, the nights when I’d be upset about something and she'd curl up in the bed with me and hold me and let me cry. The Bible verses she'd read or quote to me. The prayer. That's how I got to see Jesus and ultimately how he got to know me. Yes, He knows us because He created us. But He wants a relationship with us. Between mama living her life, showing me how to pour out our needs and desires to Him, he got to know us both pretty well.

I can't wait to see mama again and tell her how much more I've learned just since she left but I have a feeling she knows. I love you mama - because of you I have Jesus, and I was able to introduce Wimberly to Jesus and she'll do the same to her children. You have out lived your life by leaving an eternal spiritual legacy that cannot be taken away. And because of this we also have the hope that we will all be together soon. As you already have realized with new eyes mama, this is not our home. Love you - see you soon!

Wanna Outlive Your Life? I do!

This is the intro and first chapter of Max Lucado's Outlive Your Life.  It was posted free on klove.com for the listener's use. I hope you find it useful and inspirational. If you have read David Platt's Radical or are in our "Radical" group I think you will find a parallel between the two. (The text flow may be choppy or not formatted correctly so please overlook the layout.)

  O Lord, what an amazing opportunity you have spread out before
me—a chance to make a difference for you in a desperately hurting
world. Help me to see the needs you want me to see, to react in a
way that honors you, and to bless others by serving them gladly
with practical expressions of your love. Help me be Jesus’ hands
and feet, and through your Spirit give me the strength and wisdom
I need to fulfill your plan for me in my own generation. In Jesus’
name I pray, amen.
Finding Father Benjamin: A Fable

Unfavorable winds blow the ship off course, and when they do, the
sailors spot uncharted islands. They see half a dozen mounds rising
out of the blue South Seas waters. The captain orders the men to
drop anchor and goes ashore. He is a robust man with a barrel chest,
full beard, and curious soul.
On the first island he sees nothing but sadness. Underfed children.
Tribes in conflict. No farming or food development, no treatment
for the sick, and no schools. Just simple, needy people.
The second and following islands reveal more of the same. The
captain sighs at what he sees. “This is no life for these people.” But
what can he do?
Then he steps onto the last and largest island. The people are
healthy and well fed. Irrigation systems nourish their fields, and
roads connect the villages. The children have bright eyes and strong
bodies. The captain asks the chief for an explanation. How has this
island moved so far ahead of the others?
The chief, who is smaller than the captain but every bit his equal in
confidence, gives a quick response: “Father Benjamin. He educated
us in everything from agriculture to health. He built schools and
clinics and dug wells.”
The captain asks, “Can you take me to see him?”
The chief nods and signals for two tribesmen to join him. They
guide the captain over a jungle ridge to a simple, expansive medical
clinic. It is equipped with clean beds and staffed with trained caretakers.
They show the captain the shelves of medicine and introduce
him to the staff. The captain, though impressed, sees nothing of
Father Benjamin. He repeats his request. “I would like to see Father
Benjamin. Can you take me to where he lives?”
The three natives look puzzled. They confer among themselves.
After several minutes the chief invites, “Follow us to the other side of
the island.” They walk along the shoreline until they reach a series of
fishponds. Canals connect the ponds to the ocean. As the tide rises,
fish pass from the ocean into the ponds. The islanders then lower
canal gates and trap the fish for harvest.
Again the captain is amazed. He meets fishermen and workers,
gatekeepers and net casters. But he sees nothing of Father Benjamin.
He wonders if he is making himself clear.
“I don’t see Father Benjamin. Please take me to where he lives.”
The trio talks alone again. After some discussion the chief offers,
“Let’s go up the mountain.” They lead the captain up a steep, narrow
path. After many twists and turns the path deposits them in front of
a grass-roofed chapel. The voice of the chief is soft and earnest. “He
has taught us about God.”
He escorts the captain inside and shows him the altar, a large
wooden cross, several rows of benches, and a Bible.
“Is this where Father Benjamin lives?” the captain asks.
The men nod and smile.
“May I talk to him?”
Their faces grow suddenly serious. “Oh, that would be impossible.”
“Why?”
“He died many years ago.”
The bewildered captain stares at the men. “I asked to see him, and
you showed me a clinic, some fish farms, and this chapel. You said
nothing of his death.”
“You didn’t ask about his death,” the chief explains. “You asked to
see where he lives. We showed you.”　
　
　
　
Chapter 1Our Once-in-History
OpportunityBy the time you knew what to call it, you were neck deep in it. You’d
toddler walked and talked, smelled crayons and swung bats, gurgled
and giggled your way out of diapers and into childhood.
You’d noticed how guys aren’t gals and dogs aren’t cats and pizza
sure beats spinach. And then, somewhere in the midst of it all, it
hit you. At your grandpa’s funeral perhaps. Maybe when you waved
good-bye as your big brother left for the marines. You realized that
these days are more than ice cream trips, homework, and pimples.
This is called life. And this one is yours.
Complete with summers and songs and gray skies and tears, you
have a life. Didn’t request one, but you have one. A first day. A final
day. And a few thousand in between. You’ve been given an honest to-
goodness human life.
You’ve been given
never bump into yourself on the sidewalk. You’ll never meet anyone
who has your exact blend of lineage, loves, and longings. Your life
will never be lived by anyone else. You’re not a jacket in an attic that
can be recycled after you are gone.your life. No one else has your version. You’llAnd who pressed the accelerator? As soon as one day is lived, voilà,
here comes another. The past has passed, and the good old days are
exactly that: old days, the stuff of rearview mirrors and scrapbooks.
Life is racing by, and if we aren’t careful, you and I will look up, and
our shot at it will have passed us by.
Some people don’t bother with such thoughts. They grind through
their days without lifting their eyes to look. They live and die and
never ask why.
But you aren’t numbered among them, or you wouldn’t be holding
a book entitled
well. You want to do good. You want your life to matter. You want to
live in such a way that the world will be glad you did.
But how can you? How can I? Can God use us?
I have one hundred and twenty answers to that question. One
hundred and twenty residents of ancient Israel. They were the charter
members of the Jerusalem church (Acts 1:15). Fishermen, some.
Revenue reps, others. A former streetwalker and a converted revolutionary
or two. They had no clout with Caesar, no friends at the
temple headquarters. Truth be told, they had nothing more than
this: a fire in the belly to change the world.
Thanks to Luke we know how they fared. He recorded their
stories in the book of Acts. Let’s listen to it. That’s right—
the book of Acts. It cracks with the sounds of God’s ever-expanding
work. Press your ear against the pages, and hear God press into the
corners and crevices of the world.
Hear sermons echo off the temple walls. Baptismal waters splashing,
just-saved souls laughing. Hear the spoon scrape the bowl as yet
another hungry mouth is fed.
Listen to the doors opening and walls collapsing. Doors to Antioch,
Ethiopia, Corinth, and Rome. Doors into palaces, prisons, and Roman
courts.
And walls. The ancient prejudice between Jew and Samaritan—
down! The thick and spiked division between Jew and Gentile—crash!
The partitions that quarantine male from female, landowner from
pauper, master from slave, black African from Mediterranean Jew—
God demolishes them all.
Acts announces, “God is afoot!”Outlive Your Life. It’s not enough for you to dolisten toIs he still
followers
Heaven knows we hope so. These are devastating times: 1.75
billion people are desperately poor,
are trafficked in slavery, and pandemic diseases are gouging entire
nations. Each year nearly 2 million children are exploited in the
global commercial sex trade.
read these pages, almost ninety children died of preventable diseases.? we wonder. Would God do with us what he did with his first?1 1 billion are hungry,2 millions3 And in the five minutes it took you to4More than half of all Africans do not have access to modern health
facilities. As a result, 10 million of them die each year from diarrhea,
acute respiratory illness, malaria, and measles. Many of those deaths
could be prevented by one shot.5Yet in the midst of the wreckage, here we stand, the modern-day
version of the Jerusalem church. You, me, and our one-of-a-kind lifetimes
and once-in-history opportunity.
Ours is the wealthiest generation of Christians ever. We are
bright, educated, and experienced. We can travel around the world
in twenty-four hours or send a message in a millisecond. We have
the most sophisticated research and medicines at the tips of our fingers.
We have ample resources. A mere 2 percent of the world’s grain
harvest would be enough, if shared, to erase the problems of hunger
and malnutrition around the world.
planet to offer every person twenty-five hundred calories of sustenance
a day.
And we have enough bedrooms to house the orphans. Here’s the
math. There are 145 million orphans worldwide.
people in the United States call themselves Christians.
a purely statistical standpoint, American Christians by themselves
have the wherewithal to house every orphan in the world.
Of course, many people are not in a position to do so. They are
elderly, infirm, unemployed, or simply feel no call to adopt. Yet what
if a small percentage of them did? Hmmm, let’s say 6 percent. If so,
we could provide loving homes for the more than 14.1 million children
in sub-Saharan Africa who have been orphaned by the AIDS
epidemic.
one sound? “American Christians Stand Up for AIDS Orphans.”
Wouldn’t that headline be a welcome one?
I don’t mean to oversimplify these terribly complicated questions.
We can’t just snap our fingers and expect the grain to flow across
borders or governments to permit foreign adoptions. Policies stalemate
the best of efforts. International relations are strained. Corrupt
officials snag the systems. I get that.
But this much is clear: the storehouse is stocked. The problem is
not in the supply; the problem is in the distribution. God has given
this generation,
of human suffering.
A few years back, three questions rocked my world. They came
from different people in the span of a month. Question 1: Had you
been a German Christian during World War II, would you have
taken a stand against Hitler? Question 2: Had you lived in the South
during the civil rights conflict, would you have taken a stand against
racism? Question 3: When your grandchildren discover you lived
during a day in which 1.75 billion people were poor and 1 billion
were hungry, how will they judge your response?
I didn’t mind the first two questions. They were hypothetical. I’d
like to think I would have taken a stand against Hitler and fought
against racism. But those days are gone, and those choices were not
mine. But the third question has kept me awake at night. I do live
today; so do you. We are given a choice . . . an opportunity to make
a big difference during a difficult time. What if we did? What if we
rocked the world with hope? Infiltrated all corners with God’s love
and life? What if we followed the example of the Jerusalem church?
This tiny sect expanded into a world-changing force. We still drink
from their wells and eat from their trees of faith. How did they do it?
What can we learn from their priorities and passion?
Let’s ponder their stories, found in the first twelve chapters of
Acts. Let’s examine each event through the lens of this prayer:
it again, Jesus. Do it again
has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he
planned for us long ago” (Eph. 2:10
God to do great works. He invites us to outlive our lives, not just in
heaven but here on earth.
Here’s a salute to a long life: goodness that outlives the grave, love
that outlasts the final breath. May you live in such a way that your
death is just the beginning of your life.6 There is enough food on the7 We have enough food to feed the hungry.8 Nearly 236 million9 From10 Among the noble causes of the church, how does thatour generation, everything we need to alter the courseDo. After all, “We are God’s masterpiece. Henlt). We are created by a greatAfter David had done the will
of God in his own generation, he died and was buried.(Acts 13:36 NLT)