Enabling

This is a handout from a meeting where I spoke on enabling - posted for the folks that attended.

 

The Prodigal Son

Luke 15:11-32

He said, "A certain man had two sons.

The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of your property.' He divided his livelihood between them.

Not many days after, the younger son gathered all of this together and traveled into a far country. There he wasted his property with riotous living.

When he had spent all of it, there arose a severe famine in that country, and he began to be in need.

He went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed pigs.

He wanted to fill his belly with the husks that the pigs ate, but no one gave him any.

But when he came to himself he said, 'How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough to spare, and I'm dying with hunger!

I will get up and go to my father, and will tell him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight.

I am no more worthy to be called your son. Make me as one of your hired servants."'

"He arose, and came to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'

"But the father said to his servants, 'Bring out the best robe, and put it on him. Put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet.

Bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat, and celebrate;

for this, my son, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.' They began to celebrate.

"Now his elder son was in the field. As he came near to the house, he heard music and dancing.

He called one of the servants to him, and asked what was going on.

He said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and healthy.'

But he was angry, and would not go in. Therefore his father came out, and begged him.

But he answered his father, 'Behold, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed a commandment of yours, but you never gave me a goat, that I might celebrate with my friends.

But when this, your son, came, who has devoured your living with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.'

"He said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.

But it was appropriate to celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.'"

Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors

There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. It has been suggested that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?

1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving?

2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”?

3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself?

4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you?

5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain?

6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested – or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person?

7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know?

8. Do you feel protective of this person – even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life?

9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person?

10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help?

11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do?

12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings?

13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do?

14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does?

15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual?

16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments?

17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time?

18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems?

19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems?

20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation?

If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another – or on a regular basis – you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.

S.A.N.I.T.Y. Six Steps for Regaining a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children                                    by Allison Bottke Setting Boundaries with Adult Children

S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
A = Assemble a Support Group
N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
T = Trust Your Instincts
Y = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)

Characteristics and Qualities of a Responsible Adult

• Self-control – Control of one’s emotions, desires or actions by one’s own will.

• Stability – stable personality, strength, reliability, dependability.

• Independence – ability to self-regulate, not relying on others for support, care or funds; self-supporting.

• Seriousness – ability to deal with life in a serious manner.

• Responsibility – accountability, commitment and reliability.

• Method/Tact – ability to think ahead and plan for the future, patience.

• Endurance – ability and willingness to cope with difficulties that present themselves.

• Experience – breadth of mind, understanding, accumulated knowledge, especially of practical matters

• Objectivity – the ability to assess situations or circumstances shrewdly and to draw sound conclusions

• Decision making capability – as all of the above correspond to making proper decisions.

• Priorities – Ability to determine what is the most important thing that must be dealt with first, providing for the “needs” vs. the “wants” first and foremost.