One Year…

As I watched the clock turn over to midnight last night bringing in April 1,2011 I couldn't help but think that when I went to bed one year ago I had no idea that I'd be waking up to the day that I'd say goodbye to my mama forever on this earth. In retrospect, in this first year since mama’s death yes, there were times when I zigged and maybe I should have zagged. I was just finding my way. Without being too hard on myself for whatever style my grieving takes on, I take a deep breath and know that I have a God who is so much bigger than my comings and goings and He knows what's happening and will happen and if I just keep looking to Him and not spend my time trying to figure it all out He will lead me.

The Lord knew what was coming even though I didn’t and He knew what I was going to need to deal with mama’s death. He knows me. He knows me. That was worth repeating. He knows us intimately. He knows what breaks our hearts and what makes us stronger.  Why would we turn to anyone else?

The night before mama died I went to a late movie with some friends and our girls. Sound strange? Hmmmm, one of those choices maybe I would have changed if I had known what the next day would hold, but I felt the tug to go. I saw it as a respite of sort and some time to invest with my daughter who had been swallowed up in an environment of hushed voices, cancer and chemo visits way too often for a thirteen year old.  As I look back though I see it was all by His design.  There was content in that movie that I needed to see.  My Lord knew that. I could point out many other things as well where the Lord met me right where I was and gave me just what I needed. I cannot deny the existence of a Savior that knows me.

 
How did I get to know that? To have the ability to look back and see His presence and to grow enough to be able to expect Him in my present and in my future?  Mama. I can think of no other fitting one year tribute to mama than to say - she showed me Jesus. Not taught – showed.  He was there in her. The time she invested in me, the nights when I’d be upset about something and she'd curl up in the bed with me and hold me and let me cry. The Bible verses she'd read or quote to me. The prayer. That's how I got to see Jesus and ultimately how he got to know me. Yes, He knows us because He created us. But He wants a relationship with us. Between mama living her life, showing me how to pour out our needs and desires to Him, he got to know us both pretty well.

I can't wait to see mama again and tell her how much more I've learned just since she left but I have a feeling she knows. I love you mama - because of you I have Jesus, and I was able to introduce Wimberly to Jesus and she'll do the same to her children. You have out lived your life by leaving an eternal spiritual legacy that cannot be taken away. And because of this we also have the hope that we will all be together soon. As you already have realized with new eyes mama, this is not our home. Love you - see you soon!